Andrew Witty gets paid, steps down, stays on, John R Tyson sucks at his job, gets board seat, and other nuggets

DAMION1

1. In our 'That's cute, Sam, because I don't want my son to grow up in a world where college dropouts slowly replace human brain function with profit-driven AI' headline of the week. Sam Altman doesn't want his son to grow up with an AI best friend 

2. In our 'In other news, Ikea will call its forthcoming store in Boston simply 'Ikea,' sources say' headline of the week. ESPN will call its forthcoming flagship streaming app simply 'ESPN,' sources say 

3. In our 'Ex-CBS Director O.J. Simpson not named director after found not guilty of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman and because he's dead' headline of the week. Ex-Tyson Foods CFO John Tyson named director after misdemeanours

4. In our 'In her acceptance speech, Ms. Boswell said, "I won't sleep until your toilets are 45% less smelly and disgusting, on a year-over-year basis starting in 3Q 2026."' headline of the week. Clorox Announces Election of Gina Boswell to its Board of Directors

5. In our 'The fourth director was referred to as "a bloated idiot who doesn't know the difference between a case of synthetic hydraulic fluids and a Diet Pepsi.' headline of the week. Shareholder advisory firm backs 3 of Elliott's 4 Phillips 66 director nominees 

6. In our 'Sir Andrew Witty listed the top three 'personal reasons' in no particular order: "Fuck. This. Place." ' headline of the week. UnitedHealth CEO steps down for ‘personal reasons’

MATT1

1. In our 'Universally reviled man pays self' headline of the week. UnitedHealth CEO Andrew Witty was 2024's highest-paid payer CEO. Here's a look at what other execs earned

2. In our 'Universally reviled man takes a vacation' headline of the week. UnitedHealth Group CEO Andrew Witty steps down, company suspends annual forecast

3. In our 'Universally reviled man replaced by universally reviled man who replaced different universally reviled man he replaced' headline of the week. UnitedHealth CEO Andrew Witty steps down, replaced by Stephen Hemsley

4. In our 'Andrew Witty says try cod liver oil and vitamin A' headline of the week. Listeria outbreak sickens at least 10 in California and Nevada and the FDA is investigating Fresh & Ready Foods

5. In our 'This week on "Audit Material Weakness: the Game", who will be the material weakness?  The ex-prosecutor "financial expert", the ex-interior secretary who wrote "You Report to Me: Accountability for the Failing Administrative State", or the ex-trade representative?' headline of the week. Trump Media said it had ‘material weakness’ in internal controls

6. In our 'Anti-woke investors furious at SEC they don't get the chance to vote 1% in favor of a resolution to stop gays from eating sushi, the wokest way to make fish, which is eroding American freedom' headline of the week. Kroger Investor Loses New Bid to Put Plan Before Shareholders

7. In our 'After soliciting bids from Punxsutawney Phil, the transformer named Scavenger, and Mark Wahlberg from Deepwater Horizon, the Trump Administration finally found a genius to dig a hole' headline of the week. Elon Musk’s Boring Company Is in Talks With Government Over Amtrak Project

8. In our 'When asked, the mayor of Memphis, Tennessee handed citizens a set of "giant wipers" donated by Tesla for their tears' headline of the week. Community Complains of Choking Fumes From Elon Musk's AI Fortress

9. In our 'It's true, we found a self-important liar who likes hallucinogens so we don't need to hire anyone under 35 with an education anymore' headline of the week. AI may cut the need for younger staff, CEOs say: ‘With the commoditization of intelligence, it’s not about having the smartest people anymore’

10. In our 'It's true, we found a self-important liar who states everything like it's a fact so we don't need to hire anyone over the age of 55 anymore' headline of the week. The vast majority of CEOs are fearful of losing their jobs due to AI, survey reveals

DAMION2

End with a game: I’ll give you the headline first and you pick the best joke:

McDonald's announces plans to hire 375,000 workers with Trump Labor secretary

1. Training to Include How to Scream Internally Without Moving Your Face and Why Clocking Out is Woke

2. New Employees to Be Paid in Nuggets and WIll Receive Free Uniform, A Copy of “Atlas Shrugged” (Annotated by J.D. Vance while wearing a Ronald McDonald costume) and a Mandatory McRib Tramp Stamp

3. Because Nothing Says “Labor Rights” Like a Side of Deregulation

Boy Accidentally Orders 70,000 Lollipops on Amazon. Panic Ensues.

1. Amazon’s spokesperson said, "While we understand that 70,000 lollipops may exceed the average household’s needs, our algorithm determined that American children are fat and stupid."

2. Mark Zuckerberg said, "Problems like this will disappear with Meta-branded AI children."

3. Amazon Algorithm Now Recommends a Kohler Tall Single Flush 2-Piece Elongated Toilet with 1.28 GPF in White and a Dentist Named Dave